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For about a year and a half I worked at a group home. A group home is a place where people go if they are unwanted and/or have different disabilities. I worked with children who were taken away from their homes because they had crappy ass parents or juvenile criminal issues. Some of them were mentally ill children; most were just children that were physically and/or sexually abused by their parents.

 For any normal person working at a place like that is extremely stressful. As someone who is the closest (physically) to the kids or clients, you get the teenage attitude and then some. For me it was no different. On a daily basis I would be called a bitch or I would have to remedy a situation where a co-worker had been verbally and sometimes physically disrespected.

With them showing a lack of respect, we as staff had to keep their pasts in mind. That is a very hard task to do. At some point you do want to tell them off or as some of my co-workers would state “jack them up”. When I worked at that group home statements like that became understandable.  

On top of that, not all of the staff are people of high respect for themselves or others.  Some would talk too openly about their personal lives as if it were open season in their lives. Others were bold enough to speak on their co-workers’ personal lives as if they lived them their selves. And of course you had those employees who would stumble down and act like teenage children in front the children they were working with. All of this irked me.

The children plus the staff was to much for me to handle! I hated it! I hated when they would touch me. I hated when they would call me out of my name. I hated when they would disrespect my co-workers and me. I hated when co-workers would disrespect me! Oh and last but hardly least I hated the hours!!

So one day while working I told myself that I would never come back to that place. Unfortunately I did not inform my supervisors or anyone of my decision not to return. From that day in February it has been 5 months since I have clocked in.  They never called me and I never called them!  I am not proud of the way I left but, I had to do it.  I do not miss the clients, I do not miss the disrespect, and I definitely do not miss some of those messy ass co-workers.

If I could do it all over again, I would just tell one of my supervisors that I wanted to quit. Sign the papers and leave. But, I’m gone now.

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About 6 months ago, I decided to go get myself a little gift. I wanted something that would allow me to celebrate my sexuality and womanhood. I wanted a sex toy. I knew that I could easily order this adult toy online with no problems or embarrassment. However, I do live with my parents and they have a tendency to open the mail that is addressed to me.  With that in mind, I started researching different sex toy shops around my area. I came up with one that was about 30 minutes away from where I live. That was not bad at all. I left my house that morning with the intention of returning with a new friend. That’s exactly what happened but not without shock and awe.

I would not describe myself as a prude or someone who gets shocked very easily.  But, when I walked into the Adult Toy Store I became speechless and started running after my breath.  My eyes could not believe what was in front of them. My heart started skipping beats as if I were about to have a heart attack. Looked to my left, I saw lubricant. Not too bad; I have seen that before. Looked to my right and I saw porn DVD’s. Go a little deeper into the store; there were humongous fake penises or dildos everywhere! I saw whips and chains, butt plugs (whatever those are), and small bullet vibrators, big hummingbird vibrators, and handcuffs, and just a lot of freaky things that I did not even know existed.  Walking into the store all I wanted was a small clit vibrator however, after seeing all of that I see that I may be behind in times and freakocity. I will admit there were some products that I wanted to buy and try out. I did not because I didn’t want to lose my virginity to a Hummingbird vibrator.

Walking through the story and surveying their inventory, I felt so awkward. I kept wondering if I was going to run into someone that I knew. What would the conversation been like? Would I even acknowledge their presence? My anxiety was getting to me. All of a sudden I started to come up with a narrative about why I am in the Adult Toy Store. The story I kept telling myself was that I was in this particular store looking for a gag gift for my friend’s wedding shower or bachelorette party (Hadn’t made up my mind yet). That was the story and I was sticking to it.

I felt it was time for me to go. So I grabbed the 3-speed green clit “massager” and a pair of green handcuffs and went to check – out of this freak island. The cashier added up all the materials which included: 1 small 3-speed green vibrator, 1 pair of green handcuffs, and a small bottle of lubricant.

My experience in the Adult Toy Store, for the first time, was an interesting one. I was embarrassed, scared, and anxious.  However I enjoyed my experience as a whole.  I left there feeling liberated about my new found womanhood. I trust me I celebrated that liberation.

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Why did I ever stop dancing? What was the reason? Why did I let my own insecurities get to me? I want to dance again. Badly!! I need to dance again! It pains me to think about the past and say that I have quit the one thing that I was ever truly passionate about. What would my life have been like if I never stopped dancing? I know for a fact that I would not be in the position that I am in now. I think I would be happier because I would have a passion. I would have something to call my own, my solace, my space. I would have more confidence in myself. I would have my courage to do things on my own. I would not be feeling the way that I feel now. I NEED to dance. Every single day I am mad and hurt at myself because I let others’ thoughts and my own low self-esteem get me down. I let it get me to a point where I am lost and I do not know how to find myself. Dancing was the only thing I loved doing. I also wish, from the first time I stopped dancing in the 4th grade, I would have taken more classes from somewhere, anywhere. I think dancing was something that I was meant to do. It is sad that I am just seeing that now. I wish I would have seen it earlier. If it is truly my destiny to dance than I will. I will dance again. Soon. I am sitting here not so happy yet, not so sad. Just confused as to how I got myself in this situation. Why am I not living up to all of my potential? I just feel like I am here for no fucking reason. I am just here. And I do not know what I am here for! That hurts me most days. I know that if I were dancing I would have different friends, if not more. I would be traveling. I would have grown up faster and out of my parents’ home. I would have a better sense of who I am. I would have more experiences to reveal to myself of who I am. Not this misguided, unhappy, seemingly immature, clouded of thought, going through the motions person that I am right now.

The state that I am in now is a very unhappy one. I have been in this state for a while. I want it to get better but, I need strength. I need guidance. I need clarity. I need direction. I need to dance. The worst part of all this is that I do not have anyone to talk to about this. There are some people who I would not mind talking to but all I get is silence. My mother is too judgmental for me to talk to. She is not someone who I would want to talk to willing. My “closest friends” just do not do it for me. I do need more friends who share the same views as me and who will not hesitate to give their opinion about different issues so we could have an in-depth conversation. That is one thing I long for deep conversations about today’s issues. I do not have that either. Sometimes I just want to break down and cry. It is so much going on in my head. I do not know what to do.

 I am very grateful for all that I do have in my life I just want more. I want to actually feel like I am living up to my potential. I do not feel that I am being the best that I can be. Sometimes I want to cry at how unhappy I am about me but, I do not. I do not think I can. I try not to hold all of what I am feeling in yet I cannot let it out in a tearful way. Sometimes I get this feeling in my head that my mind is full with all of this misdirection and confusion and I cannot let it out; no matter how hard I try. In my mind I ask myself what did I do to deserve this feeling of loatheness. This everlasting feeling of sadness. How did I get myself into a position to where I am this unhappy and I am not even 25? This position where I have thought about suicide on a day to day basis. I hardly think that way anymore. Now my thoughts are for my future. I wish that I could stop worrying about it, but I cannot. It all I ever really think nowadays.

That and quitting the only thing I have ever loved, dance. I know that like all things, this to shall pass but, I want to when will this pass or if it will pass. With all of that, I do believe that most things in this universe has its own space and time. Most things fit and a flow to it. I am tired of waiting for my flow to happen.

Sadly, because of the way I have been feeling, I have thought using drugs. Not weed but cocaine. I do not know why. I always joke with myself that if I lived in the 70s or 80s cocaine would have been my drug of choice. Is it sad that I would rather live in this fantasy world that I created in my mind than in the reality that I am saddened by? In my mind I am an actress, a beautiful basketball player who is smart, knows several languages, is the coolest chick for men to be around, a jet-setter and just all-around everything. In my mind I travel to different places and have different experiences. In my mind…

 

 

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We. Love. Much.
Your smile, Laughter and hugs, feel my heart,
You are strong like strength was made to be.
Beautiful as beauty never seemed.
You are my cousin but, I never meant to call you that,
I call you sister because that is what our Love be like.

It’s funny how we act like sisters from the same womb
So much so, that I bet people feel that I’m you.
There are no silly symbols for what we call our Love,
Just the hugs and kisses and laughter and the late night talks,
And when I’m gone we’ll keep our hearts closer than ever.

Seasons may change but, this unconditional Love of Love stays the same.
More than a bond; our Love never alters in different ways.
You are there for me as I for you so,
Even though we’re from two different misters,
That still doesn’t mean we can’t Love, like Sisters.

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