For a couple of years now, I have been feeling hopeless, having negative thoughts about myself, and sometimes I also have suicidal thoughts. I have never really told anybody this before because I don’t want them thinking I am crazy or anything. I really just want someone to talk to.

I used to have a friend who I would express my feelings too but, he is too busy living his life and doing lord knows what. I don’t blame him though. We used to tell each other everything. He shared some of the same feelings as me. He once told me he  tried to commit suicide and prostitute his body. Now we don’t talk at all anymore. From that experience and others similar to that, I have been conditioned to not speak to anybody about my problems.

Usually, people will say go to your family. Well, I cant. I was raised in a good God-fearing family but, we are not close by any means. I do not talk to my father, even though we live in the same house; I might say four words at the most to him, daily. My mother is too judgmental that, when asked questions, I give her one-worded answers and do not dare go into specifics. I am not close to any of my aunts or uncles. When I see them I give them a hug and sit down. I do not say anything to them, they do not make conversations with me.  I really have no one to talk to.

That is some of the reason why I want to start going to therapy. There is only one problem; I do not have the money to do so. I would have to tell my parents and get them to pay for it. It would not be a problem if I we were open towards each other.

I do not see the end to my bouts of “feeling low” as I call it. Until then I will try to manage what I can and try to express myself through writings and other creative and therapeutic ways.

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