Archives for posts with tag: depressed

Normal
0

false
false
false

EN-US
X-NONE
X-NONE

/* Style Definitions */
table.MsoNormalTable
{mso-style-name:”Table Normal”;
mso-tstyle-rowband-size:0;
mso-tstyle-colband-size:0;
mso-style-noshow:yes;
mso-style-priority:99;
mso-style-qformat:yes;
mso-style-parent:””;
mso-padding-alt:0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt;
mso-para-margin-top:0in;
mso-para-margin-right:0in;
mso-para-margin-bottom:10.0pt;
mso-para-margin-left:0in;
line-height:115%;
mso-pagination:widow-orphan;
font-size:11.0pt;
font-family:”Calibri”,”sans-serif”;
mso-ascii-font-family:Calibri;
mso-ascii-theme-font:minor-latin;
mso-fareast-font-family:”Times New Roman”;
mso-fareast-theme-font:minor-fareast;
mso-hansi-font-family:Calibri;
mso-hansi-theme-font:minor-latin;}

Why did I ever stop dancing? What was the reason? Why did I let my own insecurities get to me? I want to dance again. Badly!! I need to dance again! It pains me to think about the past and say that I have quit the one thing that I was ever truly passionate about. What would my life have been like if I never stopped dancing? I know for a fact that I would not be in the position that I am in now. I think I would be happier because I would have a passion. I would have something to call my own, my solace, my space. I would have more confidence in myself. I would have my courage to do things on my own. I would not be feeling the way that I feel now. I NEED to dance. Every single day I am mad and hurt at myself because I let others’ thoughts and my own low self-esteem get me down. I let it get me to a point where I am lost and I do not know how to find myself. Dancing was the only thing I loved doing. I also wish, from the first time I stopped dancing in the 4th grade, I would have taken more classes from somewhere, anywhere. I think dancing was something that I was meant to do. It is sad that I am just seeing that now. I wish I would have seen it earlier. If it is truly my destiny to dance than I will. I will dance again. Soon. I am sitting here not so happy yet, not so sad. Just confused as to how I got myself in this situation. Why am I not living up to all of my potential? I just feel like I am here for no fucking reason. I am just here. And I do not know what I am here for! That hurts me most days. I know that if I were dancing I would have different friends, if not more. I would be traveling. I would have grown up faster and out of my parents’ home. I would have a better sense of who I am. I would have more experiences to reveal to myself of who I am. Not this misguided, unhappy, seemingly immature, clouded of thought, going through the motions person that I am right now.

The state that I am in now is a very unhappy one. I have been in this state for a while. I want it to get better but, I need strength. I need guidance. I need clarity. I need direction. I need to dance. The worst part of all this is that I do not have anyone to talk to about this. There are some people who I would not mind talking to but all I get is silence. My mother is too judgmental for me to talk to. She is not someone who I would want to talk to willing. My “closest friends” just do not do it for me. I do need more friends who share the same views as me and who will not hesitate to give their opinion about different issues so we could have an in-depth conversation. That is one thing I long for deep conversations about today’s issues. I do not have that either. Sometimes I just want to break down and cry. It is so much going on in my head. I do not know what to do.

 I am very grateful for all that I do have in my life I just want more. I want to actually feel like I am living up to my potential. I do not feel that I am being the best that I can be. Sometimes I want to cry at how unhappy I am about me but, I do not. I do not think I can. I try not to hold all of what I am feeling in yet I cannot let it out in a tearful way. Sometimes I get this feeling in my head that my mind is full with all of this misdirection and confusion and I cannot let it out; no matter how hard I try. In my mind I ask myself what did I do to deserve this feeling of loatheness. This everlasting feeling of sadness. How did I get myself into a position to where I am this unhappy and I am not even 25? This position where I have thought about suicide on a day to day basis. I hardly think that way anymore. Now my thoughts are for my future. I wish that I could stop worrying about it, but I cannot. It all I ever really think nowadays.

That and quitting the only thing I have ever loved, dance. I know that like all things, this to shall pass but, I want to when will this pass or if it will pass. With all of that, I do believe that most things in this universe has its own space and time. Most things fit and a flow to it. I am tired of waiting for my flow to happen.

Sadly, because of the way I have been feeling, I have thought using drugs. Not weed but cocaine. I do not know why. I always joke with myself that if I lived in the 70s or 80s cocaine would have been my drug of choice. Is it sad that I would rather live in this fantasy world that I created in my mind than in the reality that I am saddened by? In my mind I am an actress, a beautiful basketball player who is smart, knows several languages, is the coolest chick for men to be around, a jet-setter and just all-around everything. In my mind I travel to different places and have different experiences. In my mind…

 

 

Advertisements

For a couple of years now, I have been feeling hopeless, having negative thoughts about myself, and sometimes I also have suicidal thoughts. I have never really told anybody this before because I don’t want them thinking I am crazy or anything. I really just want someone to talk to.

I used to have a friend who I would express my feelings too but, he is too busy living his life and doing lord knows what. I don’t blame him though. We used to tell each other everything. He shared some of the same feelings as me. He once told me he  tried to commit suicide and prostitute his body. Now we don’t talk at all anymore. From that experience and others similar to that, I have been conditioned to not speak to anybody about my problems.

Usually, people will say go to your family. Well, I cant. I was raised in a good God-fearing family but, we are not close by any means. I do not talk to my father, even though we live in the same house; I might say four words at the most to him, daily. My mother is too judgmental that, when asked questions, I give her one-worded answers and do not dare go into specifics. I am not close to any of my aunts or uncles. When I see them I give them a hug and sit down. I do not say anything to them, they do not make conversations with me.  I really have no one to talk to.

That is some of the reason why I want to start going to therapy. There is only one problem; I do not have the money to do so. I would have to tell my parents and get them to pay for it. It would not be a problem if I we were open towards each other.

I do not see the end to my bouts of “feeling low” as I call it. Until then I will try to manage what I can and try to express myself through writings and other creative and therapeutic ways.