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Why did I ever stop dancing? What was the reason? Why did I let my own insecurities get to me? I want to dance again. Badly!! I need to dance again! It pains me to think about the past and say that I have quit the one thing that I was ever truly passionate about. What would my life have been like if I never stopped dancing? I know for a fact that I would not be in the position that I am in now. I think I would be happier because I would have a passion. I would have something to call my own, my solace, my space. I would have more confidence in myself. I would have my courage to do things on my own. I would not be feeling the way that I feel now. I NEED to dance. Every single day I am mad and hurt at myself because I let others’ thoughts and my own low self-esteem get me down. I let it get me to a point where I am lost and I do not know how to find myself. Dancing was the only thing I loved doing. I also wish, from the first time I stopped dancing in the 4th grade, I would have taken more classes from somewhere, anywhere. I think dancing was something that I was meant to do. It is sad that I am just seeing that now. I wish I would have seen it earlier. If it is truly my destiny to dance than I will. I will dance again. Soon. I am sitting here not so happy yet, not so sad. Just confused as to how I got myself in this situation. Why am I not living up to all of my potential? I just feel like I am here for no fucking reason. I am just here. And I do not know what I am here for! That hurts me most days. I know that if I were dancing I would have different friends, if not more. I would be traveling. I would have grown up faster and out of my parents’ home. I would have a better sense of who I am. I would have more experiences to reveal to myself of who I am. Not this misguided, unhappy, seemingly immature, clouded of thought, going through the motions person that I am right now.

The state that I am in now is a very unhappy one. I have been in this state for a while. I want it to get better but, I need strength. I need guidance. I need clarity. I need direction. I need to dance. The worst part of all this is that I do not have anyone to talk to about this. There are some people who I would not mind talking to but all I get is silence. My mother is too judgmental for me to talk to. She is not someone who I would want to talk to willing. My “closest friends” just do not do it for me. I do need more friends who share the same views as me and who will not hesitate to give their opinion about different issues so we could have an in-depth conversation. That is one thing I long for deep conversations about today’s issues. I do not have that either. Sometimes I just want to break down and cry. It is so much going on in my head. I do not know what to do.

 I am very grateful for all that I do have in my life I just want more. I want to actually feel like I am living up to my potential. I do not feel that I am being the best that I can be. Sometimes I want to cry at how unhappy I am about me but, I do not. I do not think I can. I try not to hold all of what I am feeling in yet I cannot let it out in a tearful way. Sometimes I get this feeling in my head that my mind is full with all of this misdirection and confusion and I cannot let it out; no matter how hard I try. In my mind I ask myself what did I do to deserve this feeling of loatheness. This everlasting feeling of sadness. How did I get myself into a position to where I am this unhappy and I am not even 25? This position where I have thought about suicide on a day to day basis. I hardly think that way anymore. Now my thoughts are for my future. I wish that I could stop worrying about it, but I cannot. It all I ever really think nowadays.

That and quitting the only thing I have ever loved, dance. I know that like all things, this to shall pass but, I want to when will this pass or if it will pass. With all of that, I do believe that most things in this universe has its own space and time. Most things fit and a flow to it. I am tired of waiting for my flow to happen.

Sadly, because of the way I have been feeling, I have thought using drugs. Not weed but cocaine. I do not know why. I always joke with myself that if I lived in the 70s or 80s cocaine would have been my drug of choice. Is it sad that I would rather live in this fantasy world that I created in my mind than in the reality that I am saddened by? In my mind I am an actress, a beautiful basketball player who is smart, knows several languages, is the coolest chick for men to be around, a jet-setter and just all-around everything. In my mind I travel to different places and have different experiences. In my mind…