Archives for posts with tag: low-self-esteem

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Why did I ever stop dancing? What was the reason? Why did I let my own insecurities get to me? I want to dance again. Badly!! I need to dance again! It pains me to think about the past and say that I have quit the one thing that I was ever truly passionate about. What would my life have been like if I never stopped dancing? I know for a fact that I would not be in the position that I am in now. I think I would be happier because I would have a passion. I would have something to call my own, my solace, my space. I would have more confidence in myself. I would have my courage to do things on my own. I would not be feeling the way that I feel now. I NEED to dance. Every single day I am mad and hurt at myself because I let others’ thoughts and my own low self-esteem get me down. I let it get me to a point where I am lost and I do not know how to find myself. Dancing was the only thing I loved doing. I also wish, from the first time I stopped dancing in the 4th grade, I would have taken more classes from somewhere, anywhere. I think dancing was something that I was meant to do. It is sad that I am just seeing that now. I wish I would have seen it earlier. If it is truly my destiny to dance than I will. I will dance again. Soon. I am sitting here not so happy yet, not so sad. Just confused as to how I got myself in this situation. Why am I not living up to all of my potential? I just feel like I am here for no fucking reason. I am just here. And I do not know what I am here for! That hurts me most days. I know that if I were dancing I would have different friends, if not more. I would be traveling. I would have grown up faster and out of my parents’ home. I would have a better sense of who I am. I would have more experiences to reveal to myself of who I am. Not this misguided, unhappy, seemingly immature, clouded of thought, going through the motions person that I am right now.

The state that I am in now is a very unhappy one. I have been in this state for a while. I want it to get better but, I need strength. I need guidance. I need clarity. I need direction. I need to dance. The worst part of all this is that I do not have anyone to talk to about this. There are some people who I would not mind talking to but all I get is silence. My mother is too judgmental for me to talk to. She is not someone who I would want to talk to willing. My “closest friends” just do not do it for me. I do need more friends who share the same views as me and who will not hesitate to give their opinion about different issues so we could have an in-depth conversation. That is one thing I long for deep conversations about today’s issues. I do not have that either. Sometimes I just want to break down and cry. It is so much going on in my head. I do not know what to do.

 I am very grateful for all that I do have in my life I just want more. I want to actually feel like I am living up to my potential. I do not feel that I am being the best that I can be. Sometimes I want to cry at how unhappy I am about me but, I do not. I do not think I can. I try not to hold all of what I am feeling in yet I cannot let it out in a tearful way. Sometimes I get this feeling in my head that my mind is full with all of this misdirection and confusion and I cannot let it out; no matter how hard I try. In my mind I ask myself what did I do to deserve this feeling of loatheness. This everlasting feeling of sadness. How did I get myself into a position to where I am this unhappy and I am not even 25? This position where I have thought about suicide on a day to day basis. I hardly think that way anymore. Now my thoughts are for my future. I wish that I could stop worrying about it, but I cannot. It all I ever really think nowadays.

That and quitting the only thing I have ever loved, dance. I know that like all things, this to shall pass but, I want to when will this pass or if it will pass. With all of that, I do believe that most things in this universe has its own space and time. Most things fit and a flow to it. I am tired of waiting for my flow to happen.

Sadly, because of the way I have been feeling, I have thought using drugs. Not weed but cocaine. I do not know why. I always joke with myself that if I lived in the 70s or 80s cocaine would have been my drug of choice. Is it sad that I would rather live in this fantasy world that I created in my mind than in the reality that I am saddened by? In my mind I am an actress, a beautiful basketball player who is smart, knows several languages, is the coolest chick for men to be around, a jet-setter and just all-around everything. In my mind I travel to different places and have different experiences. In my mind…

 

 

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Dear Ex-Friends (you know who you are)

I am writing this to tell you how much I have missed our friendship. I do not know if it is in the universe to restart the relationship but, i do miss it. There was nothing that each of you did that made me stay away from you as a friend. It was me.

At many moments in my life I felt low. I felt like I was nothing. Sometimes, I still do. I have a low sense of self that causes me not to live up to my potential as the person i want to become.I would like to apologize for that.

When I was with you and your newly made friends, I felt uncomfortable within my own skin more and more as the seconds ticked away on the clock. For that reason, I had to disappear from the friendship.

To you ex-friend A, I have to tell you about how I felt during a certain situation. At the beginning of our pledge process, we rode to class together, alternating between vehicles, then we would go to where we had to be amongst our other future sorority sisters. I thought then we would become better and closer friends and finally sisters but, by the end of that road I really did not like you.

I felt on several occasions that you pushed and ignored me and our friendship away. One time in particular, I came up to you to ask you a question, you totally ignored me and from that moment on, I knew where I stood in your life. I felt I was disrespected. I know that we were not going to the mall shopping and having text conversations but, as someone who has always helped you when you needed it, I expected more. I chose not to text you, call, you, write you on Facebook because of that reason. I do still care about  you though.

To ex-friend B, I am not sure where we stopped being friends to each other. I just think we grew apart.

Still love you both. I would like to start to build a relationship; a friendship with you. Even though we have missed time, we can not make it up, but we can make up for lost laughter and conversations.

Love you Both, your ex-friend,

         Me